Tomorrow will the Mercydez'es two month anniversary since passing from this life into a life much more beautiful and free. I have had a lot more time to really think about my sweetie and the to feel of the great loss my family has endured.
Since the first day of the Semester, back in January, I had this feeling I would need to stay busy. I did just that and completely bit off more than I could chew. It's crazy though because I was comforted and felt reassured that it was the right thing for me to do. I have credited Mercydez for changing my life, changing my world. That little girl has power. I credit her and her amazing spirit as influencing me to move forward with my education - even with the great unknowns ahead of me.
I remember how hard it was for me to go back to school. I remember sitting in the math lab, staring at the computer screen, feeling an overwhelming urge to break down and cry. My entire body was shaking. My heart was pounding. And no one else in the lab even knew it. My whole earth had been shattered and no one knew. "How can I keep going?", "How can I focus?", "How am I going to get through this semester?", "Is this CRAP really even important in the long run?!"...all these questions ran through my mind repeatedly. I was very angry. WHY DIDN'T THE FREAKING WORLD STOP!?!? WHY DIDN'T EVERYONE KNOW MY SITUATION AND OFFER HUGS AND LOVE?!? WHY WAS I FORCED BACK INTO THE REAL WORLD JUST DAYS AFTER MY WORLD HAD BEEN ROCKED...SHATTERED!?!?!?!??
The thing that came to my mind, and that my amazing sister, Ashley said to me was "Keep going. Mercydez would want you to finish". I have to give full credit to that single statement. I continued and finished for Mercydez.
I know this may sound trivial, and to a certain degree, it is. School? One semester?! Yes...one semester. One of the HARDEST semesters/four months I have had to endure thus far. Deep down I knew the inevitable was, well inevitable. But that doesn't mean I wanted to face it. And it doesn't mean it made it easier. It was one semester, yes, but it was one full of stretching, growth, joy, deep sorrow, hurt, fear, loss, success. So much in a matter of four short months.
I miss my sweetie. My emotions have really started to boil over. Since I have time in the evenings to think, I tend to find myself staring off doing just that. My thoughts take me away to many fond memories. Many moments of laughter. Many moments of pure nirvana. Many moments of JOY.
I have also thought about the suffering my precious niece endured and it nearly breaks my heart all over again. I have found myself in the bathroom with the door closed, just sobbing. I have found myself in my car, parked in an empty church parking lot sobbing. I have found myself watching Nic and Ashley praying they are still being lifted. I have found myself wondering about my mom...she was extremely close to Mercydez and loved her little grand-daughter passionately (she still does).
Death is like love. It's hard to put into words EXACTLY what you feel. There's so much that goes into it. So much emotion. So much thought. Just SO MUCH.
I miss my "little fudge brownie". It's funny, for mothers day I was given one of the most beautiful gifts ever. I wasn't expecting anything...but my incredibly thoughtful husband gave me a framed picture of Mercydez. This picture was painted by Travis as a gift of love for Nic and Ashley shortly after Mercydez passed. It is absolutely beautiful. It captures Mercydez perfectly. Travis made a copy of the original and gave one to me and one to my mom. We both sobbed when we found it.
The two month mark is going to be bitter-sweet. While I am still genuinely happy and relieved for my princess, I desperately miss her and ache to cuddle with her. She was SUCH a cuddle bug!!! Her greatest joy was to snuggle up and nap together. Ahhh...I can't wait 'til I can do that again.
I love you Mercydez. I miss you Sweetie. Happy two month anniversary "silly girl".
3 weeks ago