(January 10th, 2008: Just a few days old)
My mind has been running nonstop today. I have had this underlying feeling of deep sorrow and extreme joy all at once. I am so happy for my sweetie. I miss her so much. Just this morning when I went into Nic & Ashley's room, I got a quick scent of Mercydez and it made my heart flutter. Is she here?! No, she isn't. Not in physical form anyway. She's here in spirit. I KNOW she checks in on her Daddy and Mommy, her Ahma and Papa, and I hope her Uncle Trav and Aunt Addy.
(April 2008: Mommy bathing Mercydez)
It's interesting how quickly I can go from feeling so sad to so happy. When I keep the big picture in mind (eternal families, the plan of salvation, etc) this temporal loss seems to be just that - temporary. But when I focus on MY selfish wants, the here and the now I find myself overwhelmed with sorrow, anger, confusion, and questions. It's all about perspective right now. Well, for me anyways.
(April 2008: Daddy cuddling with his Princess)
I had a few moments of pure joy come to mind tonight as I sat thinking about my girl. I remember how I would sneak her out of her car seat when Ashley wasn't looking or went into the other room! I just couldn't keep my hands off that little princess! I loved to put my hands under her armpits, wrap my fingers around the back of her head and neck (she couldn't hold her head up unless she was mad!) and hold her in front of me. One time my mom did that and Mercydez fell asleep...just dangling there! It was soooo cute! We all got a chuckle from it!
(Mercydez in her pretty little flower dress. What a beautiful baby girl.)
I also remember doing homework (the story of my life) with Mercydez laying on my bed next to me. She was in a white and pink onesy. She cuddled right up to my pillows. I tried to hold her and do my homework at the same time but she didn't want any of it! She wanted to lay on my soft yellow blanket and cuddle with my velvet green pillows. She fell asleep. I remember turning my music homework down and just listening to her breathe. It always caught me off guard when people would express concern over the way she sounded when she breathed. Most babies make little noise. Mercydez, on the other hand, had different anatomy. She would sound like she was struggling to breathe. I guess it went to show how well people knew our little girl based off of how they reacted to her breathing. :) I miss those sounds.
(April 2008: Mercydez talking with her big beautiful brown eyes..she would ALWAYS hold her adorable hand up on her shoulder like that. It was the C-U-T-E-S-T thing ever! We now hold our hands up on our shoulders when we talk about her and her precious mannerisms.)
I remember the one time I gave her a bath without Ashley helping. I was terrified! What if the water was too hot?! What if it was too cold!? What if I didn't wash her body correctly and got soap in her g-tube sight? What if she cried the whole time (she typically LOVED her baths)?!?!?!? All these concerns. I had the best time giving my niece a head massage while I washed her hair. I had the best time lathering baby soap all over her cute little bum, back, tummy, legs, and arms! I loved watching her relax as she got the spa treatment! What a precious girl! ..I couldn't help but paint my fingers and toe nails a bright pink tonight in her behalf! She has inspired me to LOVE the color pink! I think of her whenever I see that happy, refreshing color.
(One of mommy's favorite pictures! Soooooo cute!!)
I will forever hold my Mercydez as precious, sweet, perfect, and incredibly strong. She is my girl and she will be for EVER. family's can be together forever. That is the truth...thank goodness.
(April 2008: Mercydez full of expression)
Nic and Ash, I hope you two have been able to celebrate your five year anniversary with your amazing Angel in your hearts. I know she is excited you two went on a little get-away! I know she wants you two to be HAPPY. I KNOW THAT WHEN YOU ARE HAPPY SHE IS HAPPY. She loves you guys so much. As I always say, you three are very deserving of one another. I love you guys! Happy five year anniversary!
(April 2008: Beautiful Family picture - kinda blurry but still beautiful!)
3 comments:
Addy, I love reading your thoughts....the pictures are beautiful. Aww! Such a cutiepatootie! I miss her! Seeing her always warms my heart and brings me a smile. Love you, Christy
Wow, Adrienne. I am moved to tears. I really am. I can not stop staring at the pictures of Mercydez. You have lived a lifetime in the year/months you were blessed with your angel. I could stare into her eyes forever. What a story they tell. Her pictures slam me with so many terrifying, yet happy memories of my own. How is that possible? Saddness and Happiness all rolled into one confusing whirlwind. You are such an amazing person. Your heart belongs to Mercydez. It always will. My heart is with you, with the sorrow, but also with the loving memories as well. I can not wait until you are reunited again. We are all so excited for Nic and Ashley and the get-a-way they are on. Can't wait until you and Travis take a well earned vacation as well! Your Mercydez is beautiful, I wish I could see what she saw behind those eyes, I am sure it is beyond description....
She is the most beautiful little girl in all the world. I can't even begin to express the feelings deep in my heart... I almost avoid that tender spot, for fear that I won't be able to bring myself out of it. You say it as perfectly as possible. I'm so grateful we have her for all of eternity. I can't wait to have the opportunity to raise her. We'll all live in one big house and we'll create all the memories we weren't granted here on this earth.
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