We're still here. Oh my goodness, I have to say this has probably been one of the longest, hardest, fastest, and faith-provoking week of my life. No joke. While I have loved learning and growing in my testimony of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I hope I never have to go through this again. I hope no one has to go through this. With that said, death is inevitable. We will all die at some point. I've come to the conclusion that death is as natural as birth but it feels as unnatural as anything I've ever had to face. It's hard. It's very painful. I also recognize that for some death is a release. It is a way for those who are suffering to escape that awful reality and go somewhere pain-free. While I am happy (TRULY) for those who are able to be released it is hard and extremely scary to "deal with" when you're the one being left behind. When it comes to a fight between true love and selfishness, love will always win. For that reason we are truly wanting what's best for Mercydez. I know I've said that a million times. I keep saying it because I need to remind myself. It's during the hard times when dignity, faith, love, compassion, and strength are defined. I want to step up to the plate and honor those I love by becoming better, not bitter, during these hard times.
Mercydez is still here. She is absolutely incredible. I don't know what else to say. She's determined to be here. To stay. We don't know how long her life will be here on earth but we don't take a second for granted. Seriously. Life is fragile. Life is good. Mercydez has been a blessing. I love her so much.
Nic and Ash have been incredible too. They are rocks. They refuse to let their faith in God and their testimony that God is a loving God shake. They are rooted and refuse to be otherwise. In fact, it was during one of the many moments we had, when we thought Mercydez was going to leave us, that Ashley took the opportunity to share her testimony with loved ones. She encouraged them to honor her by learning and becoming better through this. She encouraged us to pray for comfort. And she said all this while holding her precious baby in her arms, with Nic's arms around the two of them...not knowing what the next few seconds held. It was absolutely stunning. And absolutely horrible. Uhh...I don't know what I'm trying to say...only that I love and admire Nic and Ash. I will be forever grateful to them and only hope to love and serve them as much as I can. They are good people.
We have had so many family and friends come and express words of kindness, bring meals, text & call, etc. Thank you. Thank you for thinking of us. We know everyone is dealing with their own trials and for all of you to take the time to share your love....we are so grateful. Thank you.
We are trying to get back to "normal" now. Mercydez is doing much better but she's still extremely weak and tired. Like I said above, the only thing we know right now is that WE DON'T KNOW. Nothing is predictible only the unpredictable. I'm sure I'm confusing you...with everything we've gone through this week my brain has kind of turned off. I can't remember anything right now so I wouldn't be surprised if I'm making no sense at all. But we are trying to be normal. I went back to school Thursday and had a hard time. I was so nervous to leave the house. I did okay but I think I irritated Ashley to no-end because I was calling and texting every 30 minutes or so to check on things.
I would be extremely ungrateful if I didn't post an expression of appreciation to my husband. Travis has really stepped up. He has just sat with me, doing a whole lot of nothing, while watching and pondering Mercydez. He made sure to always have physical contact with me too. I noticed his hand on my back when I was sitting on the bed bawling my eyes out, his finger twisted around my fingers when I was cuddling with Mercydez, his arm around me as I sat staring off in space. Travis really is incredible. I have often laid in bed (on the nights I'm able to keep my eyes opened) and wondered why I have been so lucky to get a man who cares. He cares about me so much. Do I deserve this? NO! But for some reason I have been blessed. I am so grateful for him. Travis, I love you. Thank you for putting everything aside (cancelling your trip to Seattle to be with your dad, brother, sister and her family) to offer comfort and support. I hope I can give you the gift of going to Seattle in the near future. I know you were looking forward to spending time with your dad and Nolan, John & Kahli and "the boys". I'm so sorry you cancelled that yet so grateful you did.
Travis' family has been so supportive as well. Thank you, Bruce, Mary Kay, Cam & Alicia, Nolan & Katie, John & Kahli for your concern. I have married into an incredible family. They are wonderful people. Thank you.
We don't know what this week will hold. However I am going to do my best to acknowledge the hand of God in all things. I worry Mercydez stayed with us because of the pressure to stay from loved ones (what I mean by "loved ones" is me). When I think about that too much I feel extremely guilty. I don't want her to stay and suffer because of my selfish desires. I have honestly prayed for Heavenly Fathers' will to be done. I believe in answered prayers. So if she's still here it must be His will. If she passes it's His will. I HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT.
uhhh...so many thoughts and feelings. I feel like my body could explode from the intensity of all these things going through me right now. I don't know. It's crazy.
We love you and will keep you posted. Thank you for your prayers. WE HAVE FELT THE POWER BEHIND THEM. I've told some of you that before. It's the truth.
**I just wanted to express my love for a little boy who has spent his first year of life in the hospital. My little Corbin celebrated his first birthday this past thursday (Oct 23rd) with family, friends, nurses, doctors....and he did so in the hospital. I have had little Corbin on my mind a lot lately. I have mourned for his parents who have had to raise their first child in the NICU. They have to drive everyday to see their son, to kiss him good night, tell him good morning, to play with him, to talk with him...Stacy and Chance are noble people. They are amazing parents. Stacy and Chance have also influenced me for the better. I have had many conversations with Stacy. Most through texting and some through phone calls. She has been a rock for me. Thank you, Stacy. Even though your precious son is in the hospital you always take the time to check in with us to see how our little miracle girl is doing.
They received some great news though! CORBIN GETS TO GO HOME THIS WEDNESDAY!!! That is a miracle. They are deserving of this. I am so happy for them. I can't wait to meet my little chunky monkey. I have never met him but I love him passionately. You guys are on my mind constantly.
1 week ago