School is in full swing now. It's crazy. It's not as hard as I was expecting but I still have HOURS of homework each night. With my many instruments, theory class, and theatre class it's hard finding time to just sit and watch a movie. But sometimes I sit and watch anyways.
Today I sang in my master vocal class. This is a class where ALL the vocal majors attend and critique those performing. It's supposed to be a positive, uplifting experience and for the most part it is. I have come to realize that most (if not all) of the students want those who are performing to do well and succeed. But even with this knowledge I am still TERRIFIED! I can barely breathe when I get up to perform. I'm always thinking about what others are finding wrong with me and/or my voice. I worry about disappointment. I worry about messing up.
Well, today I did just that. I completely messed up. I was up there for about 20 - 25 minutes and was terrified to begin with. However, my success comes in that after I was up there for about 15 minutes I was able to calm down. My nervousness went away. I was able to just SING and not think about my flaws, my weaknesses! That, in and of itself, is a huge step forward for me. I don't know why but I have this huge fear - bordering paranoia - of performing. I am determined to overcome this stumbling block. I don't want to be defined by my fears. I know that one day, be it months or years from now, I will be able to perform and radiate confidence. I won't allow myself to be arrogant, I will simply be confident (those are two very different things). I dream of that day.
The only way to overcome fear is to face it. And face it. And face it. And face it. And face it. And face it. And face it. And face it....you get the idea?! There's no easy solution. There's no way around it. In fact, I read a quote a year ago that states it perfectly: "The best way out is through".
So I am going to be that person who faces my fear. I am going to keep getting up there (all be it my knees are knockin' together, my neck is bright red, while barely breathing) and I'm going to overcome this. I have too. I have no other choice.
But until then I'll have to settle for extreme nerves....and after 15 minutes of pure pain and fear the evantual peace that will come.
Thank goodness I have an incredible husband who not only supports me, he believes in me. Thank goodness for an amazing vocal coach who is not only talented but understanding and highly influential. Thank goodness for my inspirations - which are small in number but profound in strength.
Alyssa's Writing Journal
2 weeks ago