Trials

I have been seriously contemplating trials. It seems so many people have them. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I have an understanding of why we're here, why we have trials, and life after death.

This knowledge has literally kept me going the last year or so. Having Mercydez in my life has been such a blessing. She has really put life in perspective. I feel I have a better abililty to prioritize than I did before. My eyes have been opened to the suffering of the world. I have come to notice those who shed tears. I have come to love them. I have become desirous to serve those who are in need. What I'm trying to say is that I have been inspired. Mercydez has been my saving grace.

I honestly can't imagine a world without suffering. In fact, it's so mind boggeling (sp?) that tonight in my class I asked the students if there was anyone who wasn't suffering from something at this point in their lives. I couldn't believe it when two of them raised their hands. One said, "Well, I got pulled over today...".

Wow. That's rough. Not to mock this guy but dang.

My vision has been made clear. I feel I am not as selfish as I once was. I don't mean that in a flaunty, prideful way. I say that with gratitude. I was once that person who's trial was being pulled over. While that was DEFINITELY the easier life it wasn't the most rewarding. I have been blessed ten-fold because of my precious, precious niece. Have there been hard times where I felt my heart was going to literally stop from sorrow, anger, and fear? ABSOLUTELY. I've been feeling that way the last few days....but holding my little princess in my arms and smelling her, talking to her, kissing her, and singing to her has made these hard moments well worth it. I wouldn't change a thing about my girl. I wouldn't change a thing about the path my life has taken. My testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel has increased. My desire to live a righteous life everyday of the week has increased. My happiness in the knowledge that families are FOREVER and that no matter what happens, I'll have my baby in this life and the next...has SAVED ME. There is soooo much more to Mercydez than her body. she has a spirit. Her spirit is strong. Her spirit will survive death because the truth is - is that there is life after death. It only makes sense! The happiness my girl has given me completely outways the sorrow of the situation. I am so grateful she was willing to come to earth, in an imperfect body, to an imperfect family. One day she'll have a PERFECT body, a perfect family, and a perfect happiness.

Mercydez, I love you. You are a driving force in my life. You have inspired me beyond my ability to express. You're so tiny and have been dealt such a hard hand. You have fought a battle with perfect grace, patience, long suffering, and determination. I am determined to live the kind of life here on earth so that in the life after this I will have the HOPE of feeling worthy to stand next you as you stand shoulder to shoulder with our Savior, Jesus Christ. You are worthy of an eternity of joy. I can't wait until we're together after death and we can sing, dance, embrace, talk and laugh with one another...I have, since day one, felt like we have a very special bond. This bond is stronger and more powerful than anything I've felt. I feel as though we weren't just family, we were best friends. You know my spirit and I know yours. How grateful I am that you've stuck by me, as imperfect as I am. I love you sweetie.

I hope that as I have been influenced for the better through Mercydez'es perfection, that I can be a better friend to those around me. I hope to live the kind of life where kindness is instinct. Patience is a a natural part of me. Love is freely given to all. I have a long way to go...but I'm determined to do my best. I want to be found worthy to stand shoulder to shoulder with my precious niece, when the time comes.

To all those suffering, whether it be large or small, know my heart is with you. I have such a better understanding of trials, of compassion, of service. I pray for you. I love you.